I’m often told things like, “I want to make you happy,” or “I want to see your smile.”
(I naturally have quite expressive facial expressions.)
However, each time I hear that, I find myself vaguely unsettled by the idea of a “perfectly tailored smile.”
Because I have no intention of acting against my true feelings just for the sake of it.
(Though that’s a different story if I deliberately want to make things interesting and toy with the situation.)
This is just my personal theory, but—
By making a masochist receive, obey, and ultimately fall, I myself feel fulfilled.
Perhaps it’s because, through that process, my own sense of worth—rooted in their masochistic nature—is heightened or affirmed.
In that sense, my joy and my smile become signs of that fulfillment.
So even if it appears to be an act of devotion,
in reality, they may be satisfying themselves through me.
On the other hand, I’m also quite often told in advance, “Please don’t smile at me.”
If I follow this same line of thinking,
these are people who want to discard things like validation or comfort.
By cutting themselves off from any sense of reassurance,
they become excited by being treated entirely as an object—receiving nothing but unrelenting, unrewarded treatment.
They lower their value as a masochist as much as possible,
becoming someone whose presence hardly matters at all.
In that case, a dominator’s smile would indeed become nothing more than noise.
That said, I don’t want to ignore them during a session.
If I have interest in them, then that simply doesn’t feel right.
I want to enjoy discovering the individuality of such masochists,
following my own desires.
This is where my thoughts have led me for now,
and that vague sense of discomfort I had has finally settled into clarity.
If you have your own thoughts of “this is how I am,”
I’d love to hear them as well.
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